Leaving

So I got to know that you will be leaving, leaving this world, leaving everything behind. The memories of me together with you is fading away. What can I do now other than memorizing everything and writing it down to myself.

I really can't recall much...

I know you love me, you always do, you love me more than your dearest.

You cherish me more than anyone do.

The way you care me is not comparable with anyone.

You hug me whenever you see me.

You shield me from my mum's rattan.

You protect me from sun and rain.

You ride me to school with your motorcycle.

You gave me money even my mum said not too.

You accompany me until the bell rang.

You accompany me playing with my friend.

You scolded those who bullied me.

You waited me until my school finished.

You brought me for lunch though you are poor.

You bought toys for me.

You gives me the biggest red packet among everyone.

You boil the best soup for Chinese New Year.

You save the best drumstick for me.

You feed me spoon by spoon when I don't want to eat.

You buy me roasted chicken wings for supper.

You scold everyone who scolded me.

You always come to visit me when I'm sick.

You always put your hand on my forehead to check if I'm on fever.

You pursuaded me to take medicine.

You checked my homework although you don't know English.

You sharpened my pencil for me whenever you come.

You check if my color pencils are complete.

You buy every single materials for me when I need it.

You find rare items for me whenever I need it for arts.

You do spelling with me.

You save the best for me.

I miss the feeling of you embracing me.

I miss the feeling of leaning on your shoulder.

You are so proud of me.

You are so proud of me.

You are so proud of me.

You bragged about me in front of everyone.

You are so proud that I got no. 3 overall in standard 3.

You bragged about it.

You bragged about me entering the top notch class during standard 6.

You are so proud when my friends' parent praising me.

You willing to fetch me everyday until I'm fourteen.

I am not a good grandchild.

Forgive me for not being a good grandchild.

Forgive me that I am ashamed you fetched me go and forth when I'm fourteen.

Forgive me for being the proudest grandchild ever, ashaming on you.

Which spells an end to our fond. I am sorry.

Time flies, family affairs change, as I grow elder, you grow older.

Every year you waited my family to eat at your house.

I knew you always wanted to but things just doesn't happen.

Adult, adult, adult, are always foolish.

Yet I have not greeted you in early morning Chinese New Year for years.

You still deliver the red packet to me with wishes.

You said it's OK not to find you, but I know you would love to.

You said go on find your friends, but I know you would like me to stay.

You always wanted me to study to the highest level.

You always wanted me to go oversea.

You always wanted me to go U.K. for furthere my study.

You always wanted me to study more.

You always wanted me to get my Master.

I'm sorry..

I have not wanted to study any higher than a degree.

I have not wanted to go oversea.

I have not even think about going U.K.

I have not wanted to study more.

I have not wanted to get my Master just yet.

And now I have graduated since 2007.

And now I have an honor degree from U.K.

But I have not told you anything.

I didn't informed you that I graduated.

I didn't even take a picture with you though I know you always wanted to.

I regret it.....

Very often I think about you.

But too often I give myself excuses I have no time.

Very often I wanted to buy you something.

But too often I give myself excuses let's buy it next time.

Such an unfilial grandson.

And now I have the financial capability, I bought you clothes, you said you don't need it.

I know you like it. I know you do. I force you to take it. I can see the brightest smile from you since many years ago.

I give you money, you said I shall keep it. Oh.. grandpa, how long more can I give you money?

I just wonder. You said keep it for myself but it would be meaningless to earn thousands and I got no chance to spend on you.

I force you to take it. I can see the brightest smile from you again.

I bought you a birthday cake, you said don't waste such money.

Then why are you wasting so much money on me? You bought me everything I wanted.

I don't care, I force you to come over.

I can see your brightest, happiest, warmest smile from your heart.

I hope we can celebrate again for coming years.

But how many more time? I hope it's not the last one.

Now I know you got cancer, the final stage. What else more can I do?

No one wants to take know about you.

No one even care about you.

Your unfilial sons, my unfilial uncles, have not even care about you.

What can I do?

I always wanted to scold them, I always wanted to fuck them, I always wanted to punch them.

But what can I do?

Your daugther, my mum, taught me to respect every elder no matter what happened.

Grandpa, fear not have no one wants you, I will take care of you.

Grandpa, fear not have no money, I have aplenty, I can take care of you.

Grandpa, fear not have no shelter, I have aplenty, you can stay as long as you can.

Grandpa, fear not to feel unwanted, I always wanted you to be with me.

Month ago, you fell from motorcycle, you were in pain, but you don't want to see a doctor.

Why? Why I have to force you to do everything that is good for you.

And this is not something you will happy about.

.......................................................................................................................

And yesterday I know about the bad news. I still don't know what can I do. Timing is moving so fast, it's really true that time and tide wait for no one, so fast that I wish it will stop for a while. Rewinds back to when I am still young, where you can embrace me and I can lie on your shoulder.