Leaving

So I got to know that you will be leaving, leaving this world, leaving everything behind. The memories of me together with you is fading away. What can I do now other than memorizing everything and writing it down to myself.

I really can't recall much...

I know you love me, you always do, you love me more than your dearest.

You cherish me more than anyone do.

The way you care me is not comparable with anyone.

You hug me whenever you see me.

You shield me from my mum's rattan.

You protect me from sun and rain.

You ride me to school with your motorcycle.

You gave me money even my mum said not too.

You accompany me until the bell rang.

You accompany me playing with my friend.

You scolded those who bullied me.

You waited me until my school finished.

You brought me for lunch though you are poor.

You bought toys for me.

You gives me the biggest red packet among everyone.

You boil the best soup for Chinese New Year.

You save the best drumstick for me.

You feed me spoon by spoon when I don't want to eat.

You buy me roasted chicken wings for supper.

You scold everyone who scolded me.

You always come to visit me when I'm sick.

You always put your hand on my forehead to check if I'm on fever.

You pursuaded me to take medicine.

You checked my homework although you don't know English.

You sharpened my pencil for me whenever you come.

You check if my color pencils are complete.

You buy every single materials for me when I need it.

You find rare items for me whenever I need it for arts.

You do spelling with me.

You save the best for me.

I miss the feeling of you embracing me.

I miss the feeling of leaning on your shoulder.

You are so proud of me.

You are so proud of me.

You are so proud of me.

You bragged about me in front of everyone.

You are so proud that I got no. 3 overall in standard 3.

You bragged about it.

You bragged about me entering the top notch class during standard 6.

You are so proud when my friends' parent praising me.

You willing to fetch me everyday until I'm fourteen.

I am not a good grandchild.

Forgive me for not being a good grandchild.

Forgive me that I am ashamed you fetched me go and forth when I'm fourteen.

Forgive me for being the proudest grandchild ever, ashaming on you.

Which spells an end to our fond. I am sorry.

Time flies, family affairs change, as I grow elder, you grow older.

Every year you waited my family to eat at your house.

I knew you always wanted to but things just doesn't happen.

Adult, adult, adult, are always foolish.

Yet I have not greeted you in early morning Chinese New Year for years.

You still deliver the red packet to me with wishes.

You said it's OK not to find you, but I know you would love to.

You said go on find your friends, but I know you would like me to stay.

You always wanted me to study to the highest level.

You always wanted me to go oversea.

You always wanted me to go U.K. for furthere my study.

You always wanted me to study more.

You always wanted me to get my Master.

I'm sorry..

I have not wanted to study any higher than a degree.

I have not wanted to go oversea.

I have not even think about going U.K.

I have not wanted to study more.

I have not wanted to get my Master just yet.

And now I have graduated since 2007.

And now I have an honor degree from U.K.

But I have not told you anything.

I didn't informed you that I graduated.

I didn't even take a picture with you though I know you always wanted to.

I regret it.....

Very often I think about you.

But too often I give myself excuses I have no time.

Very often I wanted to buy you something.

But too often I give myself excuses let's buy it next time.

Such an unfilial grandson.

And now I have the financial capability, I bought you clothes, you said you don't need it.

I know you like it. I know you do. I force you to take it. I can see the brightest smile from you since many years ago.

I give you money, you said I shall keep it. Oh.. grandpa, how long more can I give you money?

I just wonder. You said keep it for myself but it would be meaningless to earn thousands and I got no chance to spend on you.

I force you to take it. I can see the brightest smile from you again.

I bought you a birthday cake, you said don't waste such money.

Then why are you wasting so much money on me? You bought me everything I wanted.

I don't care, I force you to come over.

I can see your brightest, happiest, warmest smile from your heart.

I hope we can celebrate again for coming years.

But how many more time? I hope it's not the last one.

Now I know you got cancer, the final stage. What else more can I do?

No one wants to take know about you.

No one even care about you.

Your unfilial sons, my unfilial uncles, have not even care about you.

What can I do?

I always wanted to scold them, I always wanted to fuck them, I always wanted to punch them.

But what can I do?

Your daugther, my mum, taught me to respect every elder no matter what happened.

Grandpa, fear not have no one wants you, I will take care of you.

Grandpa, fear not have no money, I have aplenty, I can take care of you.

Grandpa, fear not have no shelter, I have aplenty, you can stay as long as you can.

Grandpa, fear not to feel unwanted, I always wanted you to be with me.

Month ago, you fell from motorcycle, you were in pain, but you don't want to see a doctor.

Why? Why I have to force you to do everything that is good for you.

And this is not something you will happy about.

.......................................................................................................................

And yesterday I know about the bad news. I still don't know what can I do. Timing is moving so fast, it's really true that time and tide wait for no one, so fast that I wish it will stop for a while. Rewinds back to when I am still young, where you can embrace me and I can lie on your shoulder.

Arrogant

I realized that I have been quite arrogant. For what I have now, I seriously forgot the base. I got money, but I forgot how hard is it to earn it. Is this typical situation for everyone? When you have money you tend to forget how to be humble.

Learn to be humble Allan..

Failed Whale

For I have failed like a failed whale, what shall I do next? Pls gimme another chance.

Feeling

I first saw you in the club with slight affection but something made me tend to not to know you. You changed my mind the second time few hours later when I know it's not your liking too. I reserved my impression on you.

The second time I saw you, I still feel slight affection towards you, you were beautiful that night, we talked, nothing more than a normal conversation. I saw someone trying to go near you, and you feel not so comfortable. I stepped in to interfere, which is so unlike me, who usually don't even bother what happen around me and my friends, would step up for a girl. To an extend I told him that you are my girl. I was stunned by my action and I guess you too. Never thought of being a hero, I ensure he didn't hurts you. As aggressive as he is, I got jokingly hit by him, but I am glad he's away from you. We are just glad that night ends faster rather than later. But I miss out the chance of getting your contact. A pity I must say.

I found you my mutual friend with Gee, I talked to Gee, I added you, but it seems you rejected me. Gee helped me, and we are now friend. Would love to thanks Gee for being so nice conveying my thought toward you. You said you were impressed!! So do I. We started to chat, thought not in deep, we exchanged number, I was so damn happy. You were asking me a favor to fetch you to club. What else more I can say, it's my total pleasure! I would leave any matter to do this favor. We got slightly closer, I know you a lil more. But I guess you just don't know me. It was an happy day! It really was!

As time goes by, I found you a very nice girl to be with. You have your own thought, you were a lil special, your caring towards friend, your positive thinking (or maybe just appearantly), tend to caught my attention. I found you are special too, when the gift you given to your friend is all small, inexpensive, and meaningful. You just caught my heart just like that! Can I find another person just like you in this materialistic world? I doubt so.

It seems I really into you. I find my way to get to know you more. I tried my best to get your attention. So I tried to figured out what you like. Which for an coincident, you said you like Zee Avi. I try my very best to find the CD though I got no time. I asked Alicia, I ask LQ to help me to find the CD, and still I know I couldn't let any chance to flow away, I couldn't let you get it yourself, I go and buy it myself. YES! I have finally bought it, I still hesitate to give it to you. But I told myself, don't let chances to go away just like that. I anxiously considering, and finally I called you, telling you I have something to give you. I am happy to see you stunned and have no words to say! I am very happy!

Days later, you said you were tensioned. You wish to have Haagen Dazs, you didn't told me directly. You posted on FB. Could it be my affection on you have grown? I try my very best to get you one. Which ends up I get you both. You were stunned! You said you appreciate what I done. I hope you know what I feel towards you.

Time passes without waiting. I always wanted to hang out with you and I got another chance. We went to Genting Highland alongside with your best friend. You said you wanted to see the firework, but I doubt I managed to reach there in time. Surprisingly I did managed but too bad we didn't managed to got to see the full firework. Your friend, Diana, argued with bf in the car, you teases her, you teases me, you asked "How much are you going to treasure me?" I really want to tell you "I am going to treasure you as long as you let me to.", I dare not, but the answer I gave you is just merely the same.

You praised me that the way I drive is very comfortable. I am very very pleased that I would drive you to anywhere everyday if I could. We miss out the firework and you jokingly said "I want to see the firework! You must do one for me! Let it be just two firework stick". I really think hard though I pretends not to pay attention to you. It was a great night for me I hope yours too. I got to know there's this guy was into you too, and for god sake, you leaked that you rejected him by telling him, you liked someone else.

Firework. It would be lame to really hold just two firework sticks. What's more? Am actually pretty glad to be able to know programming and flash. I find my way to make a firework. I finally did! I feel so great to be able to finish the program. What's more? I am trying a very good time to show you this firework. I wonder if you will be touched. I just can't wait to show it to you. I force myself to be brave enough to show it to you. I find my way to show it to you. I was disappointed that you didn't manage to see it by that day.

You asked me why you can't open, which I already know, you can't. I teached you. I really wish you could see it! And you were so so so surprised when you see it! You said "I see it! I see it! OMG! OMG! You remember what I said", I am glad you like it! You said "You are so so so sweet". I just happy! I am very happy that you said I'm sweet. I am glad you like it! I would love to do it everyday for you to make you happy.

We went to club, everything seems so fine, but I just don't know how to flirt with you in club. I don't know how can I approach you in club. We went home finally, after sending other friends home, I send you home. You asked me to use route A, but I use route B instead, because I know route A is much much more faster than route B. I wanted to stay with you a lil longer. But I don't know you will dislike it. I am sorry. You said you are just too tired. Could it really be? Or you are realy angry? I have been worrying since.

I don't dare to bother you.

I choose to believe in you since you said you have not got angry.

A few more days already 09/09/09, I tried to date you for dinner. But you said are going to work overtime. Which I believe you are, your dedication of work is just earn my respect. Thinking what can I do on this occasion, I bought a bouquet of 99 roses to your office. I knew it was too fast, I knew the result will not be the one I wanted.

I have never let you know I like you, I really would like to let you know I like you. It took so much courage to do such silly thing. The consequences is big, could be unexpected, could be negative. After all, I know the answer, I am glad that you did not tell me you got another person you liking. Instead you said you are not ready for relationship. You said you do not want to hurt me. I never told you, I am willing to wait until you are ready. Once I said it, I mean it.