I'm upset.....

I have been very upset with the problem I face right until now. Why can't they think wiser? Why I have to do all the shits they left over.. Please stop complaining about each other.. why not start compromising each other?

I'm the younger generation. I do not know what I can do to educate you all. Your disagreement will only leads to our miserable life. Yelling each other is not a solution definitely. You need to talk, please talk to each other. Have faith and have trust.

Living in this restrained world. Restrained from this and from that. What can I do? Accompanying you all is not a good solution. I am very headache and heartache. I felt stagnant. I have not move since then. I have to start moving again. I will be moving again. I vow to bring my generation moving along with me. I can't be stagnant anymore.

Call me whatever negative things as you want. You all think about it. I'm done. I will move on from now on. Whatever you think no longer important to me anymore.

What happened so far?

Happy new year!! Year 2010!

Where am I by then? Back from JB to KL and the next day to Ipoh, seems I really become a traveler, why the hell am I not listen to older people say don't move away from table while eating dinner. I brought my plate going here and there and running from television to computer. That's why... Now.. I wish I could just sit in office and reach home by 5, date people I like most after 5. Seems not that possible for the coming weeks, months or years.

Back from JB getting all excited to being able to meet you up and the new year eve and spend it along with you. But I have always not able catch you, it just seems I can't really predict what you thinking. Haha

Fetching you towards to trip seems is the only way I can meet up with you. Wishing you could sit besides me, but you shifted to the back, hmmm.... Why so? Something up? I'm not sure but surely glad you are with me.

But still I don't know what you thinking too, speaking of your ex being whichever good, which I thought ain't I did it too, though not 100% at least there's 60% haha don't I? I shall keep silent. Before we started our journey, I gave you a pair of earring as a present from S'pore or xmas! Nice isn't it?

Trip was alright, fun too! Though not all 100% by your side. As long as it's in a group. What's more I can ask more? Haha, doing on purpose neglecting you, you do show you mind for me neglecting you. Haha sweet victory isn't it? On purposely asking Priscilla is she cold? Why not you? Haha I smell slightest vinegar taste. Or might it be I just think too much.

So... I sometimes wonder if you have any feeling for me? You purred like a little cat when no one is around. But coldly treated me when there's people around. It's... confusing.

Time flies... and you were busy with your life and work. Only able to meet you up at clubs.. I wonder what can I do to improve the relationship? There's very little.

Things started to go wrong when your SMS didn't reach my phone. Arriving your place without knowing you didn't need me anymore.. I felt so restless and somehow disappointed.

Ignoring you at club, put no attention towards you. Playing so crazy ignoring you. Resulting? I am not sure..

I hope you are not angry, I hope you are not. Not in the mood writing anymore... I seriously cannot catch what are you thinking. Might you really want to concentrate in work. That's the most positive way I can think of, I hope everything will be as same as last time...

2010 New Year Resolution.

Do you have one? I have one everyone.. but I doubt I able to achieve 20% of it. So I hope the next year one will be a realistic one and achievable. Let's not setting too much 1o nos is adequate.

Guess it would be too late for me to learn Chinese. I give up on this.

Learning new programming language need a lot of practices. No time for this. Give up.

Reading books, cut my internet if you want me to do so.

1. Be more patient.
2. Emphasize on the company documentation of any project. Create templates for different type, scale, and documenting problem, solution, and avoidance.
3. Properly plan for future. Company road map in 3 years time.
4. Proper finance management. Manage the portfolio nicely, calculate the returns in 5 years time.
5. Waste no time.

That's for the time being.

Xmas has come!

Merry Xmas. Shall I get anything for myself?

Another falldown

Was really happy for able to come back to KL for some holiday. I'm even more happy to know that I am able to go out with you! Say I am naive, simple minded, or stupid, I don't mind. To be able to go out with you, is my biggest wish, at least for now. Ever remember the very last time where I screwed up, by sending you 99 roses on the 09/09/09. I thought we were so unfamiliar. I tried to make it back, I did, I am happy that you allow me to bring back our familiarity back to or better than previously was.

Was worried I wasn't able to make it on time while I was having a decent breakfast with my family. I was so rush that I wanted to see you on the spot. Arriving at 110pm, which I got your SMS earlier to reach by 110pm. I'm glad that I didn't late. Poor you, you said your hand got cut by the contact lens cover. I wonder if your wound has become better? I hope so. Went to fetch Rainbow, and you say you don't want to be late. I used KESAS highway to reach Sunway Pyramid before 200pm. YES! I didn't disappoint you. I really hope I will never disappoint you in any single way.

Though it's a bit "don't know what to do" but still I am very happy to be able to go out with you although it's a group outing. Seriously! I love it! You said you are hungry, and I asked you not to have too much food as gastric might strike you again, but silly me, I went to order so much! Seafood plater, sashimi, sushi and others, I'm so bloated! I just enjoy the time we are having the meal!! It was a fantastic time to be able to eat with you! You seems to happy to be able to eat that much. Luckily gastric didn't strike you.

We went to the movie. Though we are not sitting to each other, but I'm grateful to be able to watch the movie with you. To be frank! I wish this could happens everyday!! I WISH! I DO WISH!

Then we went to LowYat for some Thai food, Bangkok Jam, haha it's a nice place, but also pricey. You seems to have a very nice chatting with your best buddies. Me too enjoy listening to your story. After a while, Rainbow asked why am I look so.... serious? Well... I'm glad that you answer for me, yea.. my face is like that, can't be helped. We went to KK Mart nearby Bkt Bintang to get some wines, I gave you my wallet when you ask me to pay first, do you know my intention? Hope you do. Something made me even happier is that you were so caring that when my nose seems running, you asked Rainbow if she has tissue paper, and you pass it to me. I really felt so "melted". Haha

Arrived to my house and we all drink to you seems so drunk. Laughing like just had drug. We played some stupid games. Exciting? Well.. certainly. You seems drunk, so after cleaning up the mess, I sent you home. You reminds me please do not use Mines highway, hahaha you seems really remember that situation. Sent you home and you said SMS you when I arrive. I wanted to call you but somehow my line got barred. I called you using my house line, you said you nearly do not want to pick up cos it's a anonymous number. Again I'm glad you picked up.

I really wanted to see you even more. Though we spent more than 12 hours together on that day itself. I leverage what you have said to Diana, you want to go to Phuture. I plan it, and make it going. I never know that you were so tired on the night itself. What certainly makes my day again is that we wore the same color attire! WOAH!!! But it seems doesn't help either right?

You seems just ignore me in the club. I wonder.

You said nothing. You just don't feel comfortable with the air inside. I must be thinking too much. Thinking that you might not like I dance with Rainbow? Diana? Haha well I think I am drunk that night. I also wonder why am I so obsess with you? I drive so slow that I am like not interested to send you home. But I have to, I just drive slowly. Atmosphere seems weird, I really wanted you to be with me. You ask me to talk whatever I want to talk and we did some heart to heart talk. You said you hate people being materialistic, did I do that? Please forgive me if I did so.

Disappointing.

You said you are not confident to start a new journey. I have lost confident in guys. Why is it so? I am not sure. But I hope I can penetrate it, open up your mind and be your man. Taking good care of you. I left with a hole in my heart. Sent you home and said bye. When I am back I sent an SMS trying to clarify on my action previously. You said I think too much, which I hope I did. I am glad that we can still go out next time and treat you on some good stuff.

I will continue this journey until the faith brought us apart.........

Leaving

So I got to know that you will be leaving, leaving this world, leaving everything behind. The memories of me together with you is fading away. What can I do now other than memorizing everything and writing it down to myself.

I really can't recall much...

I know you love me, you always do, you love me more than your dearest.

You cherish me more than anyone do.

The way you care me is not comparable with anyone.

You hug me whenever you see me.

You shield me from my mum's rattan.

You protect me from sun and rain.

You ride me to school with your motorcycle.

You gave me money even my mum said not too.

You accompany me until the bell rang.

You accompany me playing with my friend.

You scolded those who bullied me.

You waited me until my school finished.

You brought me for lunch though you are poor.

You bought toys for me.

You gives me the biggest red packet among everyone.

You boil the best soup for Chinese New Year.

You save the best drumstick for me.

You feed me spoon by spoon when I don't want to eat.

You buy me roasted chicken wings for supper.

You scold everyone who scolded me.

You always come to visit me when I'm sick.

You always put your hand on my forehead to check if I'm on fever.

You pursuaded me to take medicine.

You checked my homework although you don't know English.

You sharpened my pencil for me whenever you come.

You check if my color pencils are complete.

You buy every single materials for me when I need it.

You find rare items for me whenever I need it for arts.

You do spelling with me.

You save the best for me.

I miss the feeling of you embracing me.

I miss the feeling of leaning on your shoulder.

You are so proud of me.

You are so proud of me.

You are so proud of me.

You bragged about me in front of everyone.

You are so proud that I got no. 3 overall in standard 3.

You bragged about it.

You bragged about me entering the top notch class during standard 6.

You are so proud when my friends' parent praising me.

You willing to fetch me everyday until I'm fourteen.

I am not a good grandchild.

Forgive me for not being a good grandchild.

Forgive me that I am ashamed you fetched me go and forth when I'm fourteen.

Forgive me for being the proudest grandchild ever, ashaming on you.

Which spells an end to our fond. I am sorry.

Time flies, family affairs change, as I grow elder, you grow older.

Every year you waited my family to eat at your house.

I knew you always wanted to but things just doesn't happen.

Adult, adult, adult, are always foolish.

Yet I have not greeted you in early morning Chinese New Year for years.

You still deliver the red packet to me with wishes.

You said it's OK not to find you, but I know you would love to.

You said go on find your friends, but I know you would like me to stay.

You always wanted me to study to the highest level.

You always wanted me to go oversea.

You always wanted me to go U.K. for furthere my study.

You always wanted me to study more.

You always wanted me to get my Master.

I'm sorry..

I have not wanted to study any higher than a degree.

I have not wanted to go oversea.

I have not even think about going U.K.

I have not wanted to study more.

I have not wanted to get my Master just yet.

And now I have graduated since 2007.

And now I have an honor degree from U.K.

But I have not told you anything.

I didn't informed you that I graduated.

I didn't even take a picture with you though I know you always wanted to.

I regret it.....

Very often I think about you.

But too often I give myself excuses I have no time.

Very often I wanted to buy you something.

But too often I give myself excuses let's buy it next time.

Such an unfilial grandson.

And now I have the financial capability, I bought you clothes, you said you don't need it.

I know you like it. I know you do. I force you to take it. I can see the brightest smile from you since many years ago.

I give you money, you said I shall keep it. Oh.. grandpa, how long more can I give you money?

I just wonder. You said keep it for myself but it would be meaningless to earn thousands and I got no chance to spend on you.

I force you to take it. I can see the brightest smile from you again.

I bought you a birthday cake, you said don't waste such money.

Then why are you wasting so much money on me? You bought me everything I wanted.

I don't care, I force you to come over.

I can see your brightest, happiest, warmest smile from your heart.

I hope we can celebrate again for coming years.

But how many more time? I hope it's not the last one.

Now I know you got cancer, the final stage. What else more can I do?

No one wants to take know about you.

No one even care about you.

Your unfilial sons, my unfilial uncles, have not even care about you.

What can I do?

I always wanted to scold them, I always wanted to fuck them, I always wanted to punch them.

But what can I do?

Your daugther, my mum, taught me to respect every elder no matter what happened.

Grandpa, fear not have no one wants you, I will take care of you.

Grandpa, fear not have no money, I have aplenty, I can take care of you.

Grandpa, fear not have no shelter, I have aplenty, you can stay as long as you can.

Grandpa, fear not to feel unwanted, I always wanted you to be with me.

Month ago, you fell from motorcycle, you were in pain, but you don't want to see a doctor.

Why? Why I have to force you to do everything that is good for you.

And this is not something you will happy about.

.......................................................................................................................

And yesterday I know about the bad news. I still don't know what can I do. Timing is moving so fast, it's really true that time and tide wait for no one, so fast that I wish it will stop for a while. Rewinds back to when I am still young, where you can embrace me and I can lie on your shoulder.

Arrogant

I realized that I have been quite arrogant. For what I have now, I seriously forgot the base. I got money, but I forgot how hard is it to earn it. Is this typical situation for everyone? When you have money you tend to forget how to be humble.

Learn to be humble Allan..